Postpartum Boundaries with Family and In-Laws: The List of Everything to Know as a New Parent
If there’s one thing many new parents don’t expect to navigate after having a baby, it’s quite how much energy it suddenly requires to manage other people. Everyone has advice. Everyone wants to visit. Everyone has a story about what they did when their children were babies. And, of course, everyone seems to have a slightly different idea about what they think you should be doing.
Your family and in-laws may be excited, loving, and genuinely eager to help - and, you may still find yourself feeling overwhelmed, annoyed, or anxious about what will happen if you say “no”. Setting postpartum boundaries with family can be especially complicated because you’re trying to protect your recovery, your baby, and your limited energy - while also navigating relationships that have existed (and sometimes also been a source of stress) long before your baby arrived.
If you’re struggling to figure out where the line is between accepting support and protecting your peace, know that you’re not alone and this is a common stressor that parents of newborns struggle to navigate. Postpartum boundaries can be uncomfortable, but they can also be one of the most important ways you take care of yourself during the transition into parenthood. I’m Victoria, a perinatal therapist who specializes in helping new parents adjust to life with a newborn. In this post I’ll talk about the different ways that relationships with family can change after having a baby, and some strategies for setting postpartum boundaries with family (including in-laws!) as you transition into this season of life.
Postpartum Life With a Newborn
The postpartum period can be a beautiful, emotional, exhausting, disorienting blur. You’re getting to know your baby while simultaneously getting to know yourself (and your partner) as parents.
You might be recovering physically from childbirth, adjusting to sleep deprivation, navigating feeding struggles, experiencing hormonal ups and downs, and trying to pin down a routine before it changes again in a few days. You’re probably undergoing a major identity shift as you move from thinking about becoming a parent to actually being one.
And… everyone is texting you.
They want to come over. They want pictures. They want updates. They want to hold the baby. They want to “help”. They may even want to stay with you.
Sometimes the outpouring of support feels wonderful - and sometimes, it feels like one more thing on your already very long to-list.
Feeling overwhelmed, stressed or even annoyed by communication with family doesn't mean you’re ungrateful. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them, or that you don’t want them to have a relationship with your baby. It does mean you’re a new parent who has very real limits - and that you may be starting to reach them.
Postpartum boundaries are about finding a balance between the value that you hold in your relationship with your loved ones, and your desire to protect yourself and your baby during this delicate moment in life.
Why Setting Boundaries with Family is So Hard
Setting boundaries with your own family can bring up a lot of complicated emotions.
Every family has norms that have developed over time - and sometimes those norms don’t involve the most structured boundaries. Or maybe certain people (ahem, “elders”) are allowed to set boundaries and others aren’t. If you grew up learning how to keep the peace, avoid conflict, be agreeable, or manage other people’s feelings, setting a boundary with your parents or siblings may feel both scary and unnatural.
You may worry about disappointing them. You may worry they’ll think you’re being difficult. You may worry they’ll think you’re being selfish. You may worry that saying no will create tension or damage your relationship.
And sometimes, family members unintentionally reinforce those fears with comments like:
“I’m just trying to help.”
“But I’m the grandma!”
“I raised kids, too. I know what I’m doing.”
“Don’t you want me to have a relationship with my grandson?”
The tricky part is that your family may have positive intentions, while still struggling to respect your boundaries. Both things can be true - especially if they’re not used to you speaking up for yourself.
You can appreciate your mom’s excitement about becoming a grandmother, and still not want her to come to the hospital. You can love your dad and still want him not to drop by without calling first. You can be grateful for your sister’s offer to babysit and still not be ready to leave your baby with anyone.
Each member of the family has their own hopes or expectations for how the new baby will impact family dynamics.
Maybe you envision joyful moments of watching your parents dote on their new grandchild. Maybe your parents are excited at the opportunity to do things differently than they did with their own kids. Maybe they want to be as involved as possible in the day-to-day, or maybe they look forward to visiting a few times a year while enjoying their retirement. Maybe you see having a child as an opportunity to distance yourself from your own toxic family dynamics, and focus more on the choices that you get to make as a parent yourself.
Having a baby often exacerbates family dynamics that may have already been present. Complicated feelings can come up when things don’t change the way we hoped they would, or expectations go unmet. Sometimes we secretly hope that having a baby will fix all of our family problems, or that our parents will finally be able to know what we need from them. After all, they went through this before, right? Maybe you feel like you shouldn’t have to set boundaries - your family should just know what to expect. But in reality, not only does everyone have different expectations, but everyone experiences parenthood differently. Your parents may think they remember this chapter in life oh-so-clearly, when actually postpartum is such a chaotic moment that many people struggle to recall what it feels like after the fact. Communicating your needs to your family in an assertive but kind way helps to re-set expectations and get everyone on the same page.
Why Setting Boundaries with In-Laws is So Hard
Setting boundaries with in-laws can sometimes be an even trickier dynamic.
You may feel like you have less authority or freedom to speak up because they’re your partner’s parents. You may feel less secure in these relationships, and worry more about rejection or being painted as “difficult” if you speak up for your needs. You might worry about feeling responsible for causing a conflict between your partner and their family.
Even if you and your partner have been together for years before having a baby, the dynamics of our family-in-laws can always be a bit perplexing. Norms are different from what you’re used to in your family. Maybe they don’t communicate as directly, or hold different values. Maybe they’re used to deferring to certain family members that you don’t think should get to call all the shots. If you’ve only been together for a short time before having kids, things can be even more confusing - you may genuinely not understand how their dynamics work, and feel caught off guard when your mother-in-law responds in a certain tone, or your brother-in-law accuses you of overstepping.
You might even find yourself thinking “Am I crazy? Is this normal? Am I the unreasonable one?”
This is where it can be helpful to remember something important:
You do not need to prove that someone else is doing something wrong in order to have a boundary.
On top of this, it is almost always a good idea to have your partner set boundaries with their own family. They know the dynamics. They know what to expect. They know better what kind of approach will resonate, and what might trigger defensiveness. (And, then you don’t have to be the bad guy).
The List of 10 Tips for Postpartum Boundary Setting
Every family is different, and sometimes boundary setting can involve a lot of trial and error. That being said, below are some ideas for making boundary setting feel a bit more manageable:
1. Plan ahead
It can be a challenge to decide when you’re going to take your next shower, let alone what your plan for visitors will look like.
Talk to your partner ahead of time about what values you both hold when it comes to visitors, help and health. If you’re not on the same page, take some time to hear each other out and work towards a compromise. Communicating some basic guidelines to family ahead of time can help to set expectations, so that no one is dumping big feelings of shock or disappointment on you when you’re also trying to recover from childbirth.
2. Sometimes, less is more
You don’t owe everyone a lengthy explanation.
“I’m not up for visitors today.”
“We’re keeping things quiet for a few weeks.”
“We’re not ready for overnight guests yet.”
That can be enough. If you want to explain more, you can. But you don’t need to build a legal case for why your boundary is reasonable. Sometimes, the more context you give the more space there is for someone to poke holes in your reasoning. Less explaining can often sound firmer, more authoritative, and more final.
3. Discomfort is part of the package
For all the people-pleasers reading this, this is a big one. Setting boundaries is often uncomfortable. You might feel guilty. You might read into the expression on your mom’s face and start to backtrack.
But feeling uncomfortable does not mean that you’ve made the wrong choice. It means you’re doing something unfamiliar, and change is hard. But the firmer you are, the less you backtrack, the less room there is for misinterpretation (or intentionally pushing you around)..
4. Be specific
Vague boundaries can leave room for confusion and misinterpretation.
Instead of:
“We’re going to want some space in the beginning.”
Try:
“We’re not doing drop-in visits right now, but you can text us to see when we’ll be ready for visitors.”
Different phrases can mean different things to different people. The more specific and concrete you are, the greater the likelihood that the other person will interpret your boundary the way that you mean it.
5. Firm but kind
Assertive communication is all about being clear and direct while still being respectful. Sometimes it helps if you acknowledge awareness that the other person has positive intentions before letting them know what your limits are. It can also help if you focus more on what kind of behavior you’re hoping for, rather than what they’re doing wrong. Keep it positive, let you know you appreciate their desire to be helpful and redirect their energy to focus on what you actually need.
6. Queue up some go-to responses
In the same vein of “less is more”, sometimes it can be helpful to have a few go-to responses on hand that avoid triggering defensiveness or making it personal. A few great ones can be things like:
“Oh really? I didn’t know that. We’re just following our pediatrician’s advice.”
“It’s crazy how much best practices have changed since we were growing up!”
“We’ve loved having you but it’s time for us to get some rest before the night wakings start.”
7. Ask for the help you actually need
Sometimes family members genuinely want to help but don’t know how. They might make vague offers to come over and “help with the baby”, then spend more time putzing around and eating your snacks than actually being helpful. Instead of accepting help that creates more work for you, be specific.
“I’d love it if you could bring dinner.”
“Would you mind folding the laundry while you’re here?”
“Could you come over and hold the baby while I shower?”
You don’t owe anyone access to yourself, your home or your baby during this transitional moment in life. You might be surprised with how eager people are to help you once you tell them what you really need.
8. Lean on each other
Setting boundaries alone can be hard. Sometimes we struggle to be firm with our own families, or they may think we’ll cave if they get us alone. It can be helpful to communicate boundaries with your partner present so everyone knows you’re on the same page. Hold each other accountable and lean on each other for support if tough feelings come up.
9. Expect some pushback
Sometimes people won’t immediately love your boundaries - especially if you come from a family where boundary-setting or assertive-but-respectful communication isn’t the norm. That doesn’t necessarily mean you communicated your boundaries poorly. Most generous interpretation: family may need time to adjust to their new roles. They may have imagined becoming grandparents, aunts, or uncles in a certain way, and it might take a bit of practice to let go of those ideas. A less generous (although often accurate) interpretation may be that your family has toxic communication patterns where setting boundaries are viewed as threatening, and you get blamed for shaking things up. Either way, change is hard. You can have empathy for how your family is struggling to adjust, without taking responsibility for making them happy.
10. Remember that boundaries can change
It can feel like a lot of pressure to make decisions during the postpartum period that feel like they’ll carry long-term consequences. Take some of that pressure off yourself - you don’t have to decide now what your family dynamic will look like forever.
Maybe you don’t want overnight guests during the first month. That doesn’t mean you’ll never want them.
Maybe you’re not ready for babysitting at six weeks postpartum. You might feel differently at six months.
Boundaries are allowed to evolve as your family’s needs change - and the first few years with a baby are going to involve a lot of trial and error, testing and re-testing to see what works. .
Becoming Grandparents
Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own transition to parenthood that we forget our parents are going through a major transition too. There is no guidebook for becoming grandparents. We often assume that our parents know what we need from them just because they’ve been through parenthood before, and that isn’t always the case.
Your parents are going through a major role transition and shift in the family power dynamic. All of a sudden, everything doesn’t revolve around them. They don’t get to call all the shots. Their needs aren’t the most important. All of this can take some serious adjusting, even for the most well-intentioned grandparents.
You can hold compassion for them in this transition while still deciding what you need from them in order to keep your growing family happy and safe. A lot of the time, clear boundaries can actually make relationships better in the long run. Everyone is confused about what this change means for the family. Boundaries can help provide clarity so that there is less guessing, resentment, and passive-aggression.
Think about how you can balance setting limits with giving your parents opportunities to showcase their strengths. Is there someone who can focus on meal prep? Someone else who wants to set up the nursery? Someone who wants to keep the extended family updated when the baby arrives? Letting grandparents know what your limits are can go down a lot easier if you follow it up with a job that they know how to do.
Postpartum Therapy Can Help You Feel Confident Setting Boundaries to Protect Your Peace
If it feels like something that you can’t quite put your finger on is getting in the way of setting the postpartum boundaries that you want, there may be something going on beneath the surface - more than just not knowing what to say.
Maybe you’ve spent your whole life being the “good daughter.”
Maybe you’re the family peacekeeper.
Maybe you’re secretly terrified of conflict.
Maybe you feel a pang of anxiety every time you say “no”.
Or, maybe motherhood has made you realize that the family dynamics that have existed your whole life no longer feel sustainable.
Postpartum therapy can give you a space to slow down and make sense of why boundary-setting feels so tricky.
Together with a postpartum therapist you can explore the origins of your people-pleasing, figure out what you actually need in the here and now (and figure out how to ask for it), practice asserting yourself with clearly communicated boundaries, and work through the guilt that can come with finally putting yourself first.
Your family may have their own expectations about what postpartum life should look like. Your in-laws may have their own opinions. The unsolicited advice starts piling on, one comment after another. But ultimately, you get to decide what feels right for you, your baby, and your new growing family.
If you feel ready to explore how postpartum therapy can help you feel confident setting boundaries to set yourself up for success in new parenthood, Victoria at Root to Rise Therapy can help. She is a certified perinatal mental health therapist (PMH-C) with over a decade of experience supporting new parents in the postpartum transition - especially parents struggling with people-pleasing or looking to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. She sees clients living throughout Colorado, New York and New Jersey. Reach out today to schedule a free, 15 minute therapy consultation.
Related Posts:
Postpartum Identity Crisis? Here’s How Postpartum Anxiety Therapy Can Help
Motherhood and the Mother Wound: How to Heal and Break the Cycle
Mental Health Resources for New Moms in Denver
Losing Yourself in Motherhood? Why 4 Months Postpartum Can Feel So Hard
Understanding Postpartum Anxiety
Postpartum Depression Counseling: Healing and Feeling Whole Again
Other Services at Root to Rise Therapy:
Other mental health services at Root to Rise Therapy include Counseling for Moms, Postpartum Counseling, Therapy for Perfectionism, Therapy for People-Pleasing, ADHD Therapy for Women and Cultural Identity Counseling. I see clients located in Colorado, New York and New Jersey. Contact me to learn more about how I can help you heal from burnout and self-doubt to reclaim your life!
