Virtual Therapy for Lonely Mothers: Coping with Postpartum Isolation
Going into motherhood, many women expect joy and bliss; exhaustion; maybe even chaos and fear. What they often don’t expect is loneliness.
After all, doesn’t having a baby mean that you’ll forever have another human nearby, dependent on you, perhaps even an extension of yourself? Doesn’t everyone rally around new parents to show their undivided love and support?
In the immediate weeks after childbirth, new moms are often distracted by the onslaught of new responsibilities, barrage of visitors and gifts, and infatuation with the perfect little human that they’ve created. But sometimes rather quickly, a different feeling can set in. The realization that spending an entire day with your newborn often means no meaningful conversations with other adults. The comparison and inadequacy that can come when you see other moms on your newsfeed getting together for playdates or stroller walks. The sense of feeling trapped by the new 3-hour feeding and nap windows that your life suddenly revolves around. Or maybe even being surrounded by family and friends who say they want to support you, but don’t actually get what this season of life feels like.
The feelings of loneliness after having a baby are completely normal, and don’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong. Postpartum isolation is incredibly common, and loneliness during motherhood doesn't mean you're a bad mom or that you're not grateful for your baby. Research on perinatal loneliness is still developing, but a 2022 analysis found that loneliness among pregnant women and mothers in general ranged from about 32% to 42% across the studies that specifically measured it - meaning that this is potentially something that one-third or more of women experience during this time in life.
I’m Victoria, a perinatal therapist based in Denver, Colorado, and serving clients in my practice Root to Rise Therapy virtually throughout Colorado, New York and New Jersey. In this post we’ll uncover why loneliness in motherhood is so common, some tips for finding community, and how postpartum therapy can help you cope with loneliness, depression and isolation in motherhood.
What is Postpartum Isolation?
Postpartum isolation is the experience of feeling disconnected from other people after having a baby. Sometimes the causes of isolation are logistical - you aren’t leaving the house much, trying to protect your newborn from germs, physically and emotionally recovering from childbirth, or focused on keeping your baby on a schedule that doesn’t seem to allow much for socializing.
But postpartum isolation can also exist even when you’re technically surrounded by others. You might have a partner, family members, friends, or other moms in your life, but still feel like nobody truly understands what you're going through.
And let's be honest: The newborn phase isn't exactly designed for social connection.
Your days may revolve around feeding, pumping, diaper changes, naps, laundry, and trying to figure out why your baby is crying. Leaving the house can feel like preparing for an Olympic event. By the time you get everyone dressed, packed, fed, and out the door, you're exhausted before you've even arrived anywhere - and your baby is about to be due for another nap or bottle.
So you stay home.
Then you stay home again tomorrow.
Eventually, you may realize that you've gone several days - or even weeks - without doing something that makes you feel genuinely connected to another adult.
Postpartum isolation can look like:
Feeling lonely despite being with your baby all day
Feeling like everyone else’s lives are moving on without you
Going days without talking to another adult
Wanting connection but not having the energy to pursue it
Losing touch with friends or coworkers
Feeling depressed, alone or like you have nothing to look forward to
Avoiding social situations because leaving the house feels too overwhelming
Feeling pressure to “mask” and pretend everything is going smoothly in your transition to motherhood - or avoid seeing other people so you don’t have to talk about it
The hardest part might be that you don't necessarily want to be alone - you just feel like you have to completely re-learn how to have interpersonal relationships as a mom. And most days, that feels like too much work.
Why Motherhood Can Feel So Lonely
There are plenty of reasons motherhood can feel incredibly lonely.
For starters, your relationships change.
Friends who don't have kids may not understand why you can't spontaneously meet for dinner anymore. Friends who do have children may have completely different schedules, parenting philosophies, or your kids may not gel with each other.
One of the most challenging changes can be in your relationship with your partner, as your focus shifts from taking care of each other to take care of your baby.
Date nights, physical intimacy and quality time can fall to the wayside, leaving each of you feeling lonely and supported. Suddenly, your role as a wife is abruptly superseded by your role as a mom - and that can leave both you and your partner totally caught off guard..
Then there's the identity shift. Before motherhood, you probably had a decent sense of who you were. You had your career, hobbies, friendships, routines, interests and values.
Then suddenly, your entire life revolves around someone else's needs. You can love your baby more than anything, while still missing the autonomy and independence you had before becoming a mom. You may struggle to find ways that you enjoy socializing that fit in with your new responsibilities - or struggle to find time to socialize without your kid present. When you do have moments to yourself, you might feel so burnt out from being “on” all the time that you can’t even think about what to do besides scroll on your phone or watch mindless TV. You may wonder, does it mean I’m not a dedicated mom if I long for time without my baby? It’s a complicated feeling - and one that can sometimes feel “taboo” to talk about. Dealing with these feelings on your own can be incredibly isolating, making you feel like you have to hide part of yourself in your relationships.
There's also the pressure to do motherhood the “right” way.
If you’re someone who likes to have a plan, you may approach motherhood the same way you've approached other areas of your life: research everything, prepare thoroughly, work hard, and figure it out.
Except… the one thing you can usually plan for with babies is their propensity to not follow a plan.
When you're used to being competent and capable, it can be surprisingly isolating to enter a moment in life where you feel like a beginner again.
You may find yourself thinking:
Why does everyone else seem to know what they're doing?
Why am I struggling so much?
Shouldn't I be enjoying this more?
What is wrong with me?
Moms who tend to take more of a laid-back approach can similarly feel self-conscious as they see other women around them approach parenting so methodically. They may find themselves experiencing the same kind of self-doubting thoughts; thoughts that can make you pull away from other people at exactly the time you need connection the most. Feelings of self-doubt and imposter syndrome are rife in motherhood, leading to shame and self-isolation.
And there's an important distinction: being alone and feeling lonely aren't necessarily the same thing.
You can genuinely enjoy quiet time at home with your baby and still experience loneliness. You can also have a full social calendar and a supportive partner and still feel emotionally disconnected.
Sometimes what you're missing isn't just people - it’s having a space where you can bring all parts of yourself, and not feel the pressure to mask or hide. Where no one is judging, comparing or putting their expectations on you. Those spaces can be shockingly hard to find in motherhood.
Postpartum Depression and Isolation
It's important to recognize that loneliness and isolation can sometimes be connected to postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety or perinatal mood disorders.
Feeling lonely doesn't automatically mean you have postpartum depression. The postpartum period is a huge adjustment, and it's normal to have difficult days. But when loneliness is accompanied by persistent sadness, worthlessness or hopelessness, no longer finding activities (including socializing) pleasurable, significant worry, irritability, struggling to bond with your baby or a persistent feeling that you’re doing motherhood “wrong”, there might be more going on than postpartum loneliness. Depression can often cause us to self-isolate, so if you’re noticing that tendency come up for you, it’s important to check in with yourself about what’s going on.
Postpartum depression is much more common than many new moms realize: it affects approximately 1 in 5 women who give birth. And sometimes the signs aren’t that obvious: you may feed the baby, answer texts, do laundry, show up to the pediatrician, and smile when someone asks how you’re doing. But underneath, you feel completely disconnected.
Research shows that social support matters. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force identifies lack of social or financial support as a significant factor associated with increased risk for perinatal depression.
If you think what you’re experiencing might be more than just loneliness, getting help from a mental health professional is an important step to feeling like yourself again.
How to Find Community as a Lonely Mom
When you're feeling isolated, the idea of "making mom friends" can feel like one more thing on your already enormous to-do list. And it can be quite daunting if you feel like you need to build an entirely new social circle overnight.
Instead, start small.
Find one place where you can regularly see the same people.
A postpartum support group, baby-and-me class, library story time, neighborhood group, stroller walking group, or local moms' group can give you opportunities for connection without requiring you to start from scratch. Research on building friendships shows that the key to making friends is the buildup of time together (200+ hours over at least 6 weeks to become “good friends”). If you have a supportive partner or childcare available, don’t be afraid to pick activities like an exercise or yoga class, volunteer organization or pottery studio - just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you can’t build friendships in baby-free environments.
You may not instantly meet your new best friend at your first baby class. That's okay. Go again. Say hello to the same person. Ask another mom how old her baby is, or how long they’ve been going to the class you’re at. Make a small effort to turn a familiar face into an actual connection.
Be willing to initiate.
This can be especially difficult if you struggle with people-pleasing or social anxiety. You may worry about being annoying, imposing, or rejected. But, the other person may be sitting there thinking the exact same thing. And if both people are too scared to initiate, the relationship goes nowhere.
Ask yourself “what’s the worst that could happen?” They say no. You reach out and they don’t follow up. You might feel the sting of rejection, but it doesn’t need to be about more than that encounter. Maybe a friendship wasn’t meant to be with that person - onto the next.
Try something like:
"Would you want to exchange numbers? I’ve been looking for someone to go on walks with during my maternity leave.”
It doesn't have to be complicated. Call a friend. Have your sister come over. Ask your partner to watch the baby while you grab coffee with someone. Make an effort to talk to another adult about something other than sleep schedules and diaper brands - something that makes you feel seen, and reminded that you’re more than just your baby’s caretaker.
Be willing to be vulnerable.
Once you start to make “mom friends”, it can be scary to shift the focus from your kids to yourself. But someone has to do it first. Identify which relationships feel safest to be vulnerable, and try testing it out by sharing a small personal tidbit. Make reference to a recent drama with a family member. Share something about your pre-baby identity. Bring up your favorite band or movie. From there, you can see how the other person reacts - if they share something personal about themselves, seem interested or gloss over it. Not every “mom friend” is going to be a best friend, but some certainly can be - and worst-case, you shift the conversation back to the surface level and accept that relationship for what it is.
Know your local resources.
Different places have different opportunities for connection. Does the hospital you gave birth at have a cohort-based moms group? Are there any Instagram or Facebook accounts that host moms events in your area? Is there a neighborhood cafe that hosts a book club, or a local volunteer organization that shares a mission you have? Get creative and think outside the box. For moms local to the Denver, Colorado area where my practice is based, check out my post Mental Health Resources for New Moms in Denver.
Allow different people to meet different needs.
Sometimes, people in our lives surprise us. Maybe you have a close friend without kids who doesn’t want to hang with your fam at the playground but still gets to be your concert buddy. Maybe you don’t have a ton in common with some of your “mom” friends, but you can still get support from them about parenting woes. Maybe you and your spouse don’t get to try as many new restaurants together, but you have a friend that you can do that with. Relationships shift after having kids, and sometimes the ways in which those shifts happen can be surprising - but it doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be gained.
Virtual Postpartum Therapy Can Help With Loneliness and Isolation
Sometimes, it might feel like something is getting in the way of finding community - or once you’ve found it, you still don’t feel fulfilled. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
This is where online postpartum therapy can be incredibly helpful. Therapy gives you a dedicated space to talk openly about what's happening beneath the surface. You don't have to reassure anyone that you're "fine." You don't have to make your experience sound better than it is. And you don't have to worry about making someone else uncomfortable with your feelings.
You can talk about the parts of motherhood that are difficult to admit - including what might be getting in the way of making friends, or allowing other people to support you.
Virtual therapy can be particularly helpful during the postpartum period because you don't have to leave your house to get support. When you're exhausted, overwhelmed, or caring for a newborn, getting dressed, arranging childcare, driving across town, and sitting in a therapist's office can feel like a lot. With virtual therapy, you can meet with your therapist from home, and make it easier to fit therapy into your real life.
Perhaps most importantly, therapy can help you understand why you're feeling so isolated and what might be keeping you stuck there.
Together with a postpartum therapist, you can address things like:
Anxiety and overthinking
People-pleasing, boundary-setting and difficulty asking for help
Perfectionism and expectation-setting in parenthood
Mom guilt
Loss of identity
Assertive communication skills
Feeling disconnected from your partner
Building confidence as a new mom
Finding meaningful connection and community
Ready to Start Postpartum Therapy for Lonely Mothers?
If motherhood has left you feeling lonely, isolated, overwhelmed, or disconnected from yourself, you don't have to navigate it alone. You don't have to wait until things get really bad; you don't have to prove that you're struggling "enough" to deserve support - and you definitely don't have to figure everything out by yourself.
Sometimes, the first step toward feeling less alone is simply having one person who truly listens.
Virtual postpartum therapy can give you that space. Together, we can make sense of what you're experiencing, work through the expectations and pressures you're carrying, and help you reconnect with yourself and the people around you.
Motherhood can feel incredibly lonely - but you don't have to be alone in it. Reach out today for a free consultation with Victoria Murray, perinatal therapist at Root to Rise Therapy serving clients online throughout Colorado, New York and New Jersey.
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, May 15). Symptoms of depression among women. https://www.cdc.gov/reproductive-health/depression/index.html
Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225
Kent-Marvick, J., Simonsen, S., Pentecost, R., Taylor, E., & McFarland, M. M. (2022). Loneliness in pregnant and postpartum people and parents of children aged 5 years or younger: A scoping review. Systematic Reviews, 11(1), Article 196. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-022-02065-5
U.S. Preventive Services Task Force. (2019). Perinatal depression: Preventive interventions. https://www.uspreventiveservicestaskforce.org/uspstf/recommendation/perinatal-depression-preventive-interventions
Related Posts:
Postpartum Identity Crisis? Here’s How Postpartum Anxiety Therapy Can Help
Postpartum Boundaries: Everything to Know as a New Parent
Postpartum Depression Counseling: Healing and Feeling Whole Again
Losing Yourself in Motherhood? Why 4 Months Postpartum Can Feel So Hard
