Why Being the Default Parent is So Exhausting (And How to Avoid Total Depletion)
“Did I sign that permission slip?”
“I should text the babysitter to confirm for Friday.”
“We’re almost out of diapers - can’t forget to add that to the grocery list.”
“Oops, forgot to make my own doctor’s appointment, again.”
“What’s for dinner? Something fast… I wish someone else would just decide for once.”
“I just need five minutes alone - why does that feel impossible?”
If you’re the “default parent” in your family, you’re likely familiar with this kind of mental chatter - a combination of tracking everything that makes your household and children’s lives run, while also feeling tired, depleted or even resentful that it’s all, always, on you. You might not have chosen the role - it probably just sort of “happened.” Over time, you became the go-to person for everything related to your children and home life.
While you love your family deeply, being the default parent can feel like carrying the weight of everyone’s needs on your shoulders. The constant mental load, emotional responsibility, and lack of true rest can leave you feeling exhausted, unseen and unappreciated. In this post we’ll uncover why this dynamic is so common, what “default parenting” really means, and how you can begin to reclaim your energy and sense of self.
What It Means to be the Default Parent
The “default parent” is the one who manages the invisible and emotional labor of the household. They’re the parent who’s automatically called by daycare when a child is sick, the one who keeps track of (and is the escort to) all the family’s doctor’s appointments, the one whose mind is always spinning with lists, logistics, and what-ifs.
Even in homes where both partners work full-time or try to share parenting equally, the default parent often ends up shouldering the greater share of mental and emotional responsibility. It’s not just about doing more tasks - it’s about holding more mentally, and emotionally. Sometimes division of labor can be helpful - but when it’s not communicated about openly and clearly, it can lead to burnout, resentment and even marital problems.
You might be the default parent if:
You’re the one who notices when supplies are running low or appointments are overdue.
You anticipate everyone’s needs before they arise.
You rarely get to fully “turn off,” even when your partner is technically “on duty.”
You’re the emotional anchor for your kids—and sometimes, even for your partner.
This role often emerges quietly and without conversation. One parent might naturally take on more at first (especially during pregnancy, postpartum recovery, or maternity leave), and over time, that pattern becomes the norm. You feel like if you don’t take care of these things, they won’t get done - and your children will be the ones to suffer. The problem is, what started as a short-term adaptation often turns into a long-term imbalance - one that can lead to exhaustion, depletion and unmet needs.
The Exhaustion of Being “Default”
Default parenting isn’t just tiring - it’s incredibly draining. The exhaustion goes far beyond physical fatigue; it’s an emotional and cognitive overload that can impact your ability to feel present, patient, and connected. It can be especially hurtful when your partner doesn’t acknowledge all that you do for your family behind the scenes, leading you to feel ignored, unappreciated and unseen. Here are some factors that contribute to default parent exhaustion:
The Mental Load
The “mental load” describes the ongoing, invisible effort it takes to manage family life. It’s not only about remembering to do things - it’s also the planning, anticipating, and worrying about them. You’re constantly forecasting needs, coordinating schedules, and mentally juggling everyone’s well-being.
That invisible labor doesn’t clock out. Even during times of rest, your brain might be running through to-do lists or wondering whether your child’s latest behavior is “normal”. Your brain gets so used to constantly planning and worrying that it forgets how to take a break. The chronic hyper-awareness can leave you feeling like there’s never a moment to truly exhale.
The Emotional Labor
Default parents also monitor the emotional pulse of the household. You’re the one offering comfort after meltdowns, navigating sibling conflicts, and managing your own emotions in the process. You end up finding yourself absorbing everyone else’s stress - without having space to tend to your own.
When there’s little time for your own emotional regulation, it’s easy to reach a breaking point. You may start snapping more easily, crying out of nowhere, or feeling numb to things that once brought joy. These are signs that your internal reserves are running dangerously low - and burnout and depletion may be around the corner.
The Lack of True Rest
Even when the default parent gets “time off,” it often comes with strings attached. Maybe you’re still reachable by text or call, or only feel like you can go out after bedtime. Maybe you’re mentally preparing for the chaos (or guilt) you’ll come back to. Genuine rest - without interruption, responsibility, or background worry - feels impossible or out of reach. And the concept of you totally disconnecting feels foreign to everyone in your family, because they’re so used to you always being “on”.
Depleted Mother Syndrome and Gender Roles
Traditional gender roles still shape how parenting labor is distributed, even in households that consider themselves modern or egalitarian. Cultural norms often position mothers as the emotional center of the family, responsible for maintaining harmony, remembering details, and anticipating everyone’s needs. These dynamics often start during the very beginning of family life - during pregnancy or even trying to conceive. Women feel like they have to do everything possible to set their child up for success and care for their needs, starting with preparing their womb. These patterns often continue during postpartum, breastfeeding and beyond.
There’s also the pervasive message that “good moms” are endlessly patient, available, and selfless. This expectation leaves little room for boundaries, rest, or asking for help without guilt. These subtle dynamics can make it difficult to challenge the imbalance. Even when partners want to share responsibilities more equally, the invisible habits and assumptions built into daily life can be hard to undo.
The concept of “depleted mother syndrome” describes what happens when chronic overextension, lack of support, and self-neglect take a toll on mothers’ mental and physical health. Symptoms might include irritability, fatigue, brain fog, and feeling emotionally detached or resentful. While this isn’t a formal diagnosis, it’s a very real experience for so many mothers - especially in a culture that idealizes self-sacrifice. Resentment tends to grow especially when you watch your partner enjoying their freedom and autonomy, while you’re struggling with exhaustion, burnout and never having a moment to yourself.
But, let’s not forget that while the term default parent is most often associated with mothers, dads can also find themselves in this role. In some families, fathers are the ones that carry the bulk of the mental and emotional load - the one who remembers school deadlines, shoe sizes, and keeps the household running smoothly. However, because of lingering gender norms, cultural expectations and gender-based inequalities in paid work, moms are still generally more likely to become the “default”.
How to Avoid Burnout and Depletion as Default Parent
Avoiding total depletion doesn’t mean you have to overhaul your family system overnight. It starts with awareness - naming what’s happening - and taking small, intentional steps toward change. Here are several strategies to begin shifting the load and caring for your own needs, too.
1. Make the Invisible Work Visible
Start by identifying all the tasks you handle—both the tangible and the mental ones. Write them down and share them with your partner. The goal isn’t to keep score, but to clarify the full scope of what’s happening behind the scenes - you may even be surprised by how much they feel is on their plate as well.
When both partners can see how much invisible labor goes into keeping the household running, it becomes easier to have productive conversations about redistributing it. It can also be incredibly gratifying to finally feel seen and appreciated for all you do, even if creating a 50/50 split isn’t possible.
2. Communicate Without Blame
Many default parents feel frustrated or resentful, and the desire to be acknowledged can cause you to point fingers or assign blame. Remember: you can bring a problem to their attention without being critical.
Try starting the conversation with statements that focus on you and your feelings, like:
“I’ve realized I’m carrying a lot for our family that no one sees, and it’s starting to feel overwhelming. Can we talk about this together?” or;
“Handling so much of the planning and carrying everyone’s emotions is starting to feel like too much for me. I’d love to hear what you think about it, and I have some ideas about how you can help.”
Approach it as a team effort to better understand and support each other. This is an opportunity to create more harmony and balance, not point out personal failings.
3. Redefine What “Good Parenting” Means
It’s okay if your kids eat cereal for dinner once in a while. It’s okay if the laundry piles up or you forget a spirit day at school. You’re human - and being a good parent doesn’t mean being perfect.
When you let go of rigid expectations, you free up mental and emotional bandwidth for the things that truly matter: connection, empathy, and presence. One way to lighten the mental load is to pinpoint things that aren’t important for anyone to carry, and that you can let go of entirely.
4. Prioritize Real Rest
True rest means stepping away from all forms of responsibility - even mental. This might look like taking a walk alone, scheduling solo downtime, or having an evening completely off duty while your partner handles bedtime and logistics.
If guilt creeps in, remind yourself that rest isn’t indulgent - it’s maintenance, and it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
5. Support Your Non-Default Partner in Building Confidence
Even if one parent is default most of the time, this doesn’t have to extend to 100% of the time. For the non-default parent to feel comfortable taking charge, they will likely need support to do something that is unfamiliar and out of their comfort zone. Create opportunities for them to practice being in charge, and communicate about where they may need support and guidance. With a little practice, they may develop their own way of handling things that’s different than yours - but not necessarily worse. The more confident they feel, the more they’ll volunteer to take control and give you space to breathe.
6. Set Emotional Boundaries
It’s okay to say “no” to extra commitments or to step back from being everyone’s emotional caretaker. This might mean encouraging older kids to manage small tasks themselves or asking your partner to handle an emotional crisis every now and then. Half of setting boundaries is sticking to them - allowing yourself to really let go and have others take charge, even if you think you could do it “better”.
7. Build a Support Network
Default parenting feels especially isolating when you’re doing it alone. Whether it’s through friends, family, or a local moms’ group, having other parents who “get it” can make a world of difference.
You might also consider practical supports (like carpooling, childcare swaps, or using delivery services for groceries) to take a few things off your plate.
8. Practice Self-Compassion
Many parents struggle with guilt when they try to reclaim time or space for themselves. But self-compassion means recognizing that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Try talking to yourself the way you would talk to a close friend: with understanding, patience, and gentleness.
9. Be Open to Change
As jobs evolve, kids grow older and family needs change, there may be room for the “default parent” role to transform as well. It may make sense for one parent to be “default” at one point in your family life cycle, and another at a different time. Communication between you and your partner is key to be checking in about the family’s needs, and the flexibility to adjust as needs change.
Therapy Can Help With Parenting Burnout
Parenting is hard enough - but being the default parent can make it feel impossible at times. If you’re noticing signs of burnout, resentment, or emotional exhaustion, therapy can help you unpack these feelings and create space for healing.
Through therapy, you can learn to:
Identify and challenge internalized expectations about parenting roles.
Build communication tools to navigate imbalance in your partnership.
Develop coping strategies for chronic stress and overwhelm.
Reconnect with your identity beyond being “the one in charge.”
You deserve to feel supported - not just as a parent, but as a person. With the right tools and guidance, it’s possible to create a more balanced, sustainable version of family life—one where you feel valued, rested, and seen.
If you’re a parent in Denver who feels constantly drained from carrying the mental and emotional load, you don’t have to keep doing it all alone. At Root to Rise Therapy, I help mothers and caregivers find relief from overwhelm, set boundaries that protect their energy, and reconnect with themselves again.
Reach out today to learn how therapy can help you move from survival mode to steadier ground.
Related Posts:
How Mindfulness Can Help You Be a More Present Mom
Coping with Working Mom Guilt: The Struggle is Real
The Myth of the Perfect Mother: How to Break Free from Perfectionist Parenting
5 Ways Therapy Can Help Overwhelmed Moms Recover from Burnout
Other Services at Root to Rise Therapy:
Other mental health services at Root to Rise Therapy include Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Perfectionism, Therapy for People-Pleasing,Cultural Identity Counseling, ADHD Therapy, Counseling for Moms and Postpartum Counseling. I see clients located inColorado, New York and New Jersey. Contact me to learn more about how I can help you overcome anxiety and reclaim your life!
