How Therapy Can Help You Find Self-Love and Leave the Inner Critic Behind
You’re so hard on yourself—and you know it. You hear that voice in your head constantly pointing out where you fell short, how you could’ve done better, or why you don’t quite measure up. Maybe it shows up after you lose your temper with your kids. Or when you didn’t respond to that email fast enough. Or when you try to rest but feel guilty the entire time.
I get it - I’ve dealt with my own inner critical voice in life that I let hold me back for far too long. Many of us will go years without even recognizing that this voice is separate from us, and not really an accurate reflection of how we see ourselves. Eventually, you might start to wonder: Why do I talk to myself this way? Where did this voice come from? And how do I stop?
The truth is, you weren’t born with this voice. That inner critic may have been born out of an evolutionary desire for safety and self-preservation, but has been shaped by life experiences, expectations, and emotional wounds. And while it might feel like second nature by now, you do have a choice in how you relate to this voice and the power that you let it hold over you.
Therapy can help you turn down the volume of your inner critic to connect with your true inner voice - a voice that’s more balanced, loving and compassionate. A voice that’s rooted in self-love, not in judgment or fear.
In this post we’ll take a closer look at where your inner critic comes from, why it can be especially loud for people-pleasers and perfectionists, and how therapy can help you overcome self-criticism to find freedom and self worth.
Where Your Inner Critic Comes From
If you’ve been living with self-critical thoughts for most of your life, it might feel like that harsh inner voice is just your personality - an unavoidable part of how your brain works and how you experience the world.
The inner critic usually develops as a form of self-protection - we are all biologically rooted to seek emotional safety and belonging. Somewhere along the way in life, you learned that being hard on yourself helped you stay in line, avoid rejection, or gain approval. Here are some examples of situations or experiences that can foster the development of a harsh inner critic:
Caregivers who had high expectations or were emotionally distant (including those who were narcissistic or substance abusers)
Teachers or coaches who equated performance with worth
Gendered cultural messages about what it means to be a “good” woman, partner, mother, or professional
Watching your caregivers treat themselves harshly or beat themselves up for making mistakes
Growing up with diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD, and internalizing messages about being “different”, “too much” or “not enough”
At first, self-criticism might have felt motivating, or even necessary for your survival. But over time, it becomes exhausting and defeating. Rather than encouraging growth, the inner critic keeps you stuck in fear, guilt, and never-ending self-doubt. It reinforces all of our worst fears about ourselves, rather than encouraging learning and growth.
It whispers things like:
You should be able to do better.
Everyone else is handling this—why can’t you?
You just need to try harder.
Why are you so lazy?
And in the absence of another, more compassionate voice, it becomes impossible to ignore, and a main driver for your behavior.
Self-Criticism and People-Pleasing
A loud inner critic and people-pleasing behaviors often come from the same place - the fear that if you don’t behave in a certain way, others will reject you. And both self-criticism and people-pleasing are often rooted in childhood experiences, where caregivers were intense, explosive, emotionally distant, or their love felt conditional. Somewhere along the way in life you learned “if I do what others want me to do, I won’t end up all alone.” Because we know that our thoughts influence our behavior, think of the self-criticism, or “negative self-talk” as the internal thought process that precipitates, and often leads to, people-pleasing.
Here are some examples of a harsh inner dialogue that might lead to people-pleasing behavior:
“It’s selfish to speak up for my needs.”
“It’s weak to ask for help, I should be able to handle this all on my own.”
“I don’t want them to think I’m difficult so I better just keep my thoughts to myself.”
“If I say no I’ll make them upset; better to just go along with it.”
“If I don’t do what they want me to, they probably won’t want to be my friend anymore.”
“I think I came off too strong - better apologize just in case.”
In these scenarios, your inner critic is operating under the assumption that your worth is tied to your ability to please others, and if you don’t please others, you don’t hold worth as a person. People-pleasing is an adaptive behavior that develops to keep us safe and get our needs met, usually as children. But this chronic over-functioning often leads to burnout, resentment, and a shaky sense of self-worth as an adult. In learning to break free from your inner critic, you will start to feel worthy because you are a human being, not because of what you do for others.
Negative Self-Talk and the Pressure to be Perfect
Likewise, perfectionism is often also rooted in childhood experiences - in internalized lessons that your worth was tied to your ability to succeed, achieve and impress others. People who struggle with perfectionism may have had caregivers or authority figures in their lives who led them to believe that their value was tied to their ability to perform, and that failure = worthlessness. Or maybe you had experiences from childhood where you felt helpless or out of control, and focusing on achieving perfection in other areas helped you to cope. Here are some examples of how a harsh inner critic may drive perfectionist behavior:
“If I drop one ball, they’ll all come crashing down.”
“If I mess this up, no one will respect me anymore.”
“I need to stop being so lazy - I know if I just try harder I can do better at this.”
“There’s no point in even trying unless I can be the best.”
“I don’t deserve to relax until I’ve finished everything on my list.”
Again, perfectionism often develops as a way to adapt to our environment and get our needs met - but tends to be less functional as adults, when we’re no longer dependent on caregivers and able to meet our own needs. It can show up in your parenting, your job, your appearance, your home, your relationships. And no matter how well you perform, that inner critic will move the goalpost just out of reach. Overcoming self-criticism will help put you on the path to breaking free from perfectionism, once and for all.
Overcoming Self-Criticism
So how do you start to quiet that harsh inner voice?
Overcoming self-criticism isn’t about “silencing” your inner critic completely. It’s about understanding it, healing what fuels it, and learning how to respond differently.
Here is what the process of overcoming self-criticism can look like:
Notice the Inner Critic
Starting to notice the presence of the inner critic in your mind as something separate from yourself is half the battle. You have probably spent most of your life “fused” to your self-critical voice - believing it to be the truth, the only reality and allowing it to influence your feelings and behavior. Noticing it as separate from yourself allows you to start to “de-fuse” from your negative self-talk, and move towards building a more compassionate inner voice.
Name the Inner Critic
Once you begin noticing the inner critic, it can be helpful to mentally or verbally acknowledge it. Sometimes giving it a name like “the critic” or “the judge” can be helpful in reinforcing its voice as separate from your true self. When you start to notice the pattern of self-critical thoughts appearing, reminding yourself “there goes the judge again” can help those thoughts to hold less power over you.
Become Curious About Where it Comes From
Rather than attempting to silence your critic, fight it or push it away, try meeting it with curiosity instead. Remember, this voice originated at some point to protect you and keep you safe, even if it’s no longer serving that purpose for you. Its intentions are not bad. Make space for both truths - that the critic has positive intentions, and is also no longer serving you. Looking back at your childhood and becoming curious about where it came from can help you to meet it with compassion instead of anger.
Choose How to Respond to It
Now comes your choice - how do you want to respond to this inner critical voice? Do you want to let it drive you to people-please, put yourself down or beat yourself up? Or is there a way to say “no” firmly but respectfully, like you would to a colleague or friend? Breaking free from people-pleasing involves practicing saying “no” in just this way, and talking to your inner critic is a great space to start. You can tell it “no, thank you” or “I know where you’re coming from, but you’re not needed right now.” You can meet your self criticism with compassion and understanding, while holding true to your boundaries at the same time.
Shift Focus From Your Mind to Your Body
When we want to get out of the negative self-talk in our heads, shifting focus back to our bodies can help interrupt these patterns and ground us in the present moment. Try practicing deep breathing, doing a body scan meditation or going on a mindful walk. Focusing on your sensory experience can help you detach from the self-critical voice in your head and focus on what is going on right here, right now, which is usually less stressful and does not involve judgment or blame.
Build Self Esteem and Self-Love Through Therapy
Therapy can help you overcome self-criticism to build true self-worth - breaking free from the idea that you are only worth as much as you achieve or do for others, and finding that your worth comes from just being human. All human beings are worthy of love and care. Therapy can help you build self-esteem to truly feel valuable as a person, and learn to love yourself for who you are.
Therapy helps you build self-love in a grounded, lasting way. Here’s how:
Therapy helps you reconnect with your values and strengths so your sense of self-worth isn’t based solely on how others perceive you.
Therapy helps you learn to trust your own true voice—not the one shaped by childhood wounds or societal pressures.
Therapy teaches you to practice self-compassion when you fall short, rather than beating yourself up or spiraling into guilt or shame.
Therapy helps you create healthy boundaries that protect your energy, time, and emotional well-being.
Therapy helps you to feel more whole—not because you’ve achieved or fixed everything, but because you’ve stopped treating yourself as less-than.
You don’t need to earn love by being perfect. You’re worthy of love because you’re human.
Self-Love Therapy for People-Pleasers and Perfectionists in Denver, Colorado
If you’re tired of being your own worst critic and long for a more nurturing and peaceful relationship with yourself, therapy can help you get there.
At Root to Rise Therapy in Denver, I specialize in working with women who feel stuck in cycles of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and chronic self-doubt. You may be a high achieving woman on the outside, but feel overwhelmed, anxious, and never “enough” on the inside. You may be a burnt-out mother who constantly puts the needs of her family, coworkers and friends before her own. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure this out on your own.
Together in therapy, we’ll work to:
Gently understand the roots of your inner critic
Untangle your self-worth from productivity or approval
Learn how to set boundaries that feel empowering, not guilt-inducing
Practice treating yourself with the same compassion you offer others
Create space for rest, joy, and authenticity
You deserve to live a life where your inner voice is a source of support—not self-sabotage. To schedule a free consult or learn more about therapy for self-love in Denver, get in touch.
Related Posts:
Healing From People Pleasing and Perfectionism
How Anxiety Therapy Can Help with People Pleasing and Self Esteem
The Myth of the Perfect Mother: How to Break Free from Perfectionist Parenting
5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism
Present Moment Awareness: Why Living in the Present is Important
Other Services at Root to Rise Therapy:
Other mental health services at Root to Rise Therapy include Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Perfectionism, Therapy for People-Pleasing,Cultural Identity Counseling, ADHD Therapy, Counseling for Moms and Postpartum Counseling. I see clients located inColorado, New York and New Jersey. Contact me to learn more about how I can help you overcome anxiety and reclaim your life!
